Marbles, Marriage, Romance, & Responsibility

What could happen if I, the wife, decide to intentionally focus on sex? What if I were to make it a priority rather than an afterthought?

What if I were to view sex as something I actually OWE to my husband. Not something he has to EARN?

What are you talking about, Carrie? Aren’t you getting a little personal here?

Let me go back to my post a couple days ago, Sex Ed for the Saints.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3

I realize I’m only giving you one verse here, but you can pick the rest up in my post linked above or in the Bible. My husband shouldn’t have to do something to earn my affection. I chose him. I made vows before God and our family and friends. My husband should not have to work everyday to earn my affection. It is due him.

Now, please don’t read that statement to mean he can ignore me, never speak to me, never call me, tell me he loves me, support me in any way, and then I’m just supposed to unquestioningly give him my physical love and support. Read the scripture again. It goes both ways.

Unfortunately, sometimes women have this over-romanticized idea (speaking for myself here) of love and what it should look like on a daily basis. We see, read, and hear so much fiction and celebrity “love” that we buy into the lie that real love looks exactly like that.

We come to expect a spouse of ten years to call us from work daily, send us flowers pretty regularly, spontaneously take us out to a formal dinner, and romance us like they are still courting us. In reality, our husbands are probably working more hours at a more stressful job than they were when we first met, and then they come home to “jobs” at home that are every bit as demanding as they ones they just left at work.

I want romance. He wants to relax.

Instead, we compromise. Which is just a fancy way of saying neither of us gets anything we want.

We both attempt to get as much done as possible and still find time to relax. Most days, ok, I’ll be honest, all days we fail at getting the basics covered let alone finding time to relax, and romance goes straight out the window.

Intimacy goes out the window with it.

I remember as a middle school aged Sunday school student discovering the “book” in the Bible. You know what book I’m talking about, don’t you?

The book that makes you turn red and blush when you’re thirteen and totally interested in the relationship between boys and girls. The book that you read over and over sure that you’re misunderstanding something because there’s no way that’s in the Bible!

Yes, I’m talking about the Song of Solomon or Song of Songs depending on your translation.

Holy smokes.

Read that book, and I mean read it, and then tell me God doesn’t care about our intimate relationship with our spouse.

Wives, think we’re supposed to be meek and lowly? Are you still struggling with the image of a Christian wife as someone who is silent, walks three paces behind the man, and always does what she’s told without voicing her own opinions or feelings? Let me introduce you to the Shulamite in Song of Solomon (SoS).

Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me, Maybe has nothing on this woman.

Let’s start with SoS 1:2 Paraphrase: Dude, your love is better than wine! Kiss me on the mouth now!

Does this women sound meek and lowly to you? No, not to me either. She is amazingly assertive and confident. She is passionate and a sexual being.

SoS 1:3 Paraphrase: Your character is so good that it has spread like a beautiful scent. Your name has honor and respect because of your good character. Everyone loves you.

This woman is not only sexually attracted to this man, but she has wisely considered his character, his standing in society, and she knows what kind of man he truly is where it matters most.

SoS 1:4 Paraphrase: Let’s get away. Just me and you.

Again, this woman desires this man. She is not quiet. She is not secretly pining after this man. She is pursuing him.

I’m not going to go through the whole book. Dig into it. Especially those of you married women reading this. Wondering if you’re neglecting a part of your relationship that God could use to strengthen your marriage and ultimately your relationship with Him.

I’ve often viewed intimacy with my husband as something completely separate from my walk with God. In the past couple years I’ve come to realize just how connected my relationship with my husband is to my relationship with God.

When one is good, so is the other. When one suffers, so does the other.

I don’t think that’s by accident. God ordained my marriage. I believe God chose my husband specifically for me. It’s up to me to work to keep my marriage healthy just like I have to work to keep my relationship with God healthy.

God doesn’t have to work to keep our relationship healthy. I have to work to keep it healthy. I have to constantly check my attitudes, my motives, and my progress. It’s no different in my marriage.

If I want the “love” to stay alive, well, I have to intentionally look for ways to keep it alive, fight against things trying to kill it (especially when those things are me), and constantly monitor my progress. Love is not passive, but active and usually assertive and confident. I can’t wait for it to come to me, but instead must ask for it and go after it.

Is this any different than our faith?

But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him will all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

God wants us to be intentional. He wants us to go after things of God. Romance in our marriages is our responsibility. Yes, even as wives.

I have to stop passing the responsibility on to my spouse and accept responsibility for the affection I have (or haven’t) given to my spouse.




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