Never Worthy, But Yes, Redeemed!

Do you struggle? Are you haunted by skeletons in the closet? Are you blinded by past failures?

That’s where I’ve been this year. I’ve actually been there longer than this year, but this year it all became an issue for some reason.

Summer of 2011 after going to Indianapolis with the youth on a mission trip, Chris and I came home from a second honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. We came home in mixed states. We were relaxed. We had our eyes opened to just how blessed we truly are in America. And Chris came home sick. Overall we had a great time, but it was followed by a lot of time in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals.

I spent a lot of time on social media during that time. It just happened that SB54 was being introduced at that exact time. I jumped into the mix on social media and began speaking out against it and encouraging others to do the same.

I contacted as many politicians in Missouri as I could via e-mail and facebook. I encouraged everyone I knew to do the same.

I followed every news report on the situation and was outraged at a few politician’s idea to limit free speech for educators because they were afraid teachers would inappropriately communicate with students and eventually become sexual predators.

The second day of school I received a phone call from an attorney with the teacher’s union I belong to wanting to know if I would be willing to be listed as a plaintiff on a lawsuit against the Governor of the State of Missouri for SB54. I couldn’t believe I was even being asked, and I wanted to find out what ramifications could be before I consented.

After checking with my husband and employer, I agreed to place my name on the lawsuit. I then contacted all religious organizations I served with to let them know what I was doing. I wanted them to know ahead of time that way my name could be removed from leadership positions if the lawsuit would cause problems due to some religions stance against lawsuits.

I explained in my contact that I felt I needed to do this even if it meant losing some of my positions because if the bill became a law, I (and any other teacher serving in churches) would not be able to communicate via text, facebook, or Twitter with any of the students in the Sunday School class I taught or Youth Group I served in. This loss of communication methods would greatly affect my ability to work with today’s youth in their world.

Long story short…I didn’t lose any of my positions, did have to miss a day of school the first full week to go to court in Jefferson City and testify, the judge did issue a preliminary injunction, and before we could go to trial the Governor repealed SB54 and it was rewritten as SB1.

In essence, we won. In reality, educators still have district created rules for how they may communicate electronically with students. It means I can still communicate with my kids from church.

Before this situation had completely died down, came the cancer false alarm.

Then all of my Association VBS responsibilities mixed in with my high school softball coaching responsibilities. There were a few other things going on in that same time that caused some additional stress, and migraines started.

In the middle of my softball season and MAP testing, I was fighting some intense stress levels that seemed to be causing headaches.

I had to resign from all of my volunteer positions. It was taking everything I had during this time simply to do the things I had to do. And resigning from my Sunday School class & youth group job, well, stressed me out even more.

I knew I had to do it. Chris knew, and had been telling me for quite a while, that I had to do it. But I really didn’t “want” to do it.

You see, I fought a law for my right to communicate with my church kids.

What does it say about me if I was willing to risk my career, my name, my reputation, all to fight a possible law that would limit contact with students I have both at school and church because I wasn’t willing to lose contact with them outside of school and then barely six months later I resign from working with them at church?

Guilt set in.

The voices started whispering. The things they were whispering weren’t encouraging. They were awful.

“You aren’t worthy to do His work. You’ve never been worthy. No one has ever found you worthy. You’re never first choice. Always last resort.”

And those whispers were things that I’ve heard all my life. So it didn’t take much for them to take root in my being. The negative thoughts added to my stress.

I needed a plan; I reached out for help. That’s a whole other story. The last sixteen months have really been a rollercoaster ride. The highs have been high, and the lows have been low.

And in the midst of dealing with the issues a song came on our local Christian radio.

I’m always amazed that someone can put my emotions into lyrics without ever meeting me. That’s exactly what “Redeemed” by Big Daddy Weave does.

The verses of this song, well, they are my testimony.


By Big Daddy Weave

“Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
Stop fighting a fight it’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I’m redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember, oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I’m not who I used to be

Because I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
‘Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I’ve got a new name, a new life, I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home”

You see, no matter how low my lows get, they’re NEVER too low for God. He’s already won the war. I’m still a work in progress, and He won’t be finished with me until He calls me home.

That voice that whispers to me when I get down, well, it’s wrong. I’m not the same! I have been redeemed!

Knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. 1 Peter 1:18-21

photo credit: deeplifequotes”>deeplifequotes
> via photopin”>photopin> cc”>cc>


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on November 25, 2012 at 6:06 PM

    I love this song, and requested the cd for Christmas.


  2. Anonymous~I hope you receive this CD. There is a powerful message in these words. There is freedom from our past and from ourselves in Christ!!!

    Thank you so much for taking time to read and leave a comment! I appreciate it so much!

    Merry Christmas!


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